Worn

“I'm tired, I'm worn, My heart is heavy, From the work it takes to keep on breathing”

Does that describe you? 

That is the opening lines to Tenth Avenue North’s newest hit “Worn.” Following last weeks numerous events in the life of FBC I found myself hitting a wall on Sunday night.  Granted, I was not in the storm as others were, the ripples still hit home.  As I prepared to return to school this week I was anxious to get back to a routine, but my mind lingered in Mocksville.  There was just something about those events that brought back a poignant memory.  A memory that I know was a defining moment in my life; a time when I was worn.  Some of you have heard bits and pieces of my journey but few have heard how I really knew.  So if you will indulge me, I’d like to share that moment through the lens of a blog I wrote on July 19, 2011 as a Summer Missionary at Oak Ranch Children’s Home.

“Last week my heart was heavy, combined with a wore out body, I just felt horrible.  It seemed as though I was struggling to keep my head above water.  For the first time this summer, I felt frustrated.  So before matters got worse God broke me.  I was on the phone catching up with a good friend and I lost it.  I cried for what I thought was no reason and let everything out.  In the midst of this, all of my frustrations released and soon I didn't know why I was still crying. I was smiling uncontrollably while tears streamed down my face.  During this moment I could hear the sounds of a pending thunderstorm, as the sky rolled out its sounds and the wind picked up around me.  At first I felt like my heart was so heavy from all of the weeks events that it would fall out of my chest, but afterwards it felt like it was empty and ready to be filled.  I realized that in this moment I was no longer in control.  I felt like God was reassuring me of my work here.  Although I was hurting so much inside I have never felt more fulfilled.  It was as if everything I was doing was for a reason and part of something greater, I was truly happy.  There was no place that I would have rather been than in the midst of all the hurt. 

Before I started this summer I intended to completely immerse myself in servitude here [Oak Ranch] and not allow other distractions.  I feel like that moment was God telling me that it's alright and He was just reminding me of His presence and his plan for me.  While being a child-care worker may not be exactly what God has for my life (or could be) I can't imagine Him having me in a situation where I couldn't use what He has taught me this summer, and the relationships that I have made.  Who knows...could this have been my 'official' calling to ministry?  Or was this just a peaceful reassurance?  Either way I'm excited and can't wait for the next part of this journey that God and I have ahead of us.”

If you knew the backstory on this post you would know that my summer had been filled with hurting and angry teenagers.  Some had inflicted harm upon themselves and their peers, while others held it all in under lock and key.  As ‘Miss Tiffany’ became friend, mentor, and counselor it was harder for me to feel like I was worthy of such responsibility.  I was worn physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  BUT it was in that state that I saw redemption win, struggles end, and the mending of my heart.  Had that not been the case, who knows where I would be today?  

Dead Ends and Dark Dungeons

Hello Friends!!  This blog comes on the heel of Homecoming Sunday at FBC of Mocksville (which was EXCELLENT) and a fairly eventful week at Campbell.  In the past week I have spent my time fielding frustration and swinging at all pitches.  While some may have been a homerun (like my Hebrew test) others have not proven themselves worthy to even get a base.  I remember my days of softball and the cheers of "good eye" or "way to watch".  Well, I must say that looking at this week no one can cheer those for me.  

I'm not sure what was different about this week but I do know one thing, I'm going to have to do a better job of predicting the calls and being ready to wait for the right pitch. This week in preparation for my children's sermon I was reading through the sermon text in Colossians 1:9-18.  Each week I strive to make the children's sermon relevant to the sermon topic; some weeks are easier than others.  

Anyways, in The Message (TM) version of this passage, the language used struck me...it struck me for 1) as a reminder of the people I have in my life and 2) it reminded me of the Call I have answered.  It is presumed that Paul and Timothy are writing to the Church in Colosse when we find this particular passage.  Verses 9-12 are a prayer for the Church.  Reading those first in the mindset of it being ourselves though brings about a new light.  Reading from TM the prayer is for:

• Wise minds and spirits attuned to God's will
• Rightful living for the Master so as to make him proud of our work
• Learning 
• Strength to make it through the long haul - not the grim strength but the glory strength
• and Lastly for thankfulness

How I wish this was my prayer more often!  Think about it...we ask for the things we think we need not that we are able to discern what we encounter or that we may feel the presence of God's Holy Spirit.  We pray for the deeds we must accomplish but not that they may be to Honor God the Father.  We pray for things like patience but do not want to endure the learning.  We pray for Christ to be with us in all that we do, but he already is; rather we should pray that we have his strength to carry us through.  I would also dare to say that I neglect to actually give thanks to God for all that he is done already for being blindsided by what I anticipate.

Verses 13-14 read as follows:

"God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating."

What an image that is! God rescued us! Yes, we all know it, we all preach it, and hopefully we all live it.  But do we celebrate it?

Let's see what the next inning will hold, maybe this will help me with that bad eye!

God; A Diligent Farmer

This morning as I sat in my seat at Snyder Memorial I was reminded of some simple but deep truths.  As the Rev. John Cook brought his message today he preached on the Parable of the 4 Soils which comes from the book of Matthew 13.  As a person with an agricultural background this is just one of those sermons that just simply makes sense.  Parables were written to give instruction through the form of a story.  These stories come to us like a child curled up in a Grandparents lap; listening to stories of old and searching for the moral. In reading this parable I was taken back to those fond memories, so today I curled up in Jesus' lap and listened.  

In the parable as the farmer scatters his seed he is taking a calculated risk.  In those days he would have scattered his seed as much as he could and then go back and sew or plow it in.  This risk leads to the unfruitfulness of some of the seed he scatters but he has the expectation that there will be a harvest.  The first place being the path where crows descend and eat the seed.  The next seeds fall on the rocky places where the soil is shallow and while the seed can germinate it quickly withers as no roots can develop.  Some of the seeds then fall upon the thorns where they were eventually choked out.  Lastly, some of the seed fell upon good soil producing a hundred, sixty or thirty fold.  

As I listened, these soils were applied to my life.  Along my journey I can see myself in each of these places.  You see just as the seed on the path the ground was hard and the things of the world (crows) quickly swooped in and took the seeds away.  For many, just as myself this looked like a hardened heart.  Whether it was relationships, hardships, or ignorance something kept those seeds away from penetrating my heart.  The truth of the matter is that the truth and love of Christ was suppressed by the hardness of the heart.

When our hardened hearts can be cracked the we allow the opportunity for a seed to germinate.  But quickly we become the primary of target of Satan.  You see it is not far below that we still have the remnants of our broken heart.  Our relationship with Christ or others lacks depth and it quickly fades.  

Once the seeds of our life are established it is the distractions and misdirected priorities that we must be on the lookout for.  For it is these that threaten to choke out the faith we do have.  Finally, we reach a point where our seed is established enough to begin reproducing for a new life.  In order for this to happen our hearts and minds must be open and receptive to the Word of the Lord.  For it is only the love of God that can break open our hardened hearts.  We must also be patient in our faith, as immediate growth can be exciting to see but does not last just as the seed in the rocks.  

My prayer this week is that you will allow God to be a diligent farmer and tend the soils of your heart. Breaking ground where necessary, scaring away the crows and thinning the thorns.  

Set A Fire

OK, so it's been a while.  It's taken me a while to be able to process the things in my life and the great ways in which God has worked in my life, the lives of my new family at Oak Ranch as well as the things He is continuing to teach me.  The need was great, the impact was enormous and being enthralled in God's love and who He has made you to be is amazing!  I've said it before and will say it again, I've never been more challenged and never had more of a feeling of fulfillment.  While all of this sounds grand, my big ol' heart has been hurting.  Hurting for the things that I could have done differently, done more of and for the simple desire to be back, hurting because of the changes and desire to be who God is calling me to be.  When you come out of the garden into the desert it is hard to find comfort, tears are temporary relief but really it's still there.

I was recently reminded of the story of Moses and the burning bush in the book of Exodus by a great friend and encourager; and while I did not verbalize what I was going through it made sense, it was exactly what I needed.  You see Moses was in the middle of a desert, a place filled with impending death and emptiness, while there God appeared to him in an awesome way!  A burning bush, you see Moses' curiosity as to why the bush was not consumed led him to the Lord.  God called Moses to be a representative and speak to the pharaoh but like so many of us didn't feel worthy.  Moses said, "Who am I that I should go..." and the Lord replied "I will be with you."  The story continues with Moses doubting his abilities and God finally saying, "I am who I am, this is what you are to say..."  You see in this I saw myself, I saw myself alone minding my own business doing my job and then being called to something more.  Something that I doubted my own abilities in and doubted the person that God was speaking to.

God calls each and everyone of us to be firstly like Him and secondly to be someone who serves the kingdom.  I have struggled with who God has called me to be but in the past few weeks and days it is becoming more apparent.  I have been the mediator, shepherd and listener for many but with this gift comes the burden of carrying the troubles of your own life as well as those that confide in you.  Just like this summer though there is nothing I would rather be doing, in that moment that's all that matters.  I continue to pray for God to give me the words and allow me to be the vessel and I know that in that I'm not bearing it all...He is!  Without question and without failure, He loves me and it's in His hands.  Who knows, maybe you or I need to be a burning bush of Christ's love in the middle of someone else's desert.  Wouldn't that be an awesome moment?

Like a Rock

Let me first give you a quick update on things.  The past few weeks have been quite interesting and hectic.  But you know what, God is good and he takes care of things.  :)  This past week I have seen a young lady have some amazing God experiences, which she has recognized as God's work but still does not recognize her need for a Savior.  Oh, how frustrating this is!  She has seen her prayers being answered and yet it is still not enough.  I wish I could tell you everything so you would understand how God has been working in her life in an immense way, I just pray that her shell continues to be broken.  One day she will turn to the Lord. 

The boys have a full house right now and the newest young man whom we all had great expectations for has begun to show his true colors and not this fake facade to get his way.  It has begun to get him in trouble not only with the houseparents but also with the other boys as they have gotten frustrated with it.  Also, in the past week I have seen a very hard working man show himself with an attitude of self-control, humility and encouragement.  This is a big step for him as his biggest issue is anger management.  This week a new couple has developed and safe boundaries have been set while another young man learned his lesson about playing the ladies and losing a friend. 

In the girls house I have seen some broken hearts and frustration mostly caused by the boys from across the street.  I have also witnessed some grief relief from a young lady who lost the most important person in her life, her Grandmother and caretaker, as she celebrated her birthday by sending her a balloon and note.  I have also seen the poison that is created when the child's interest is not at hand in the decision process of parents.  In the next week the girl's house will be down to only 3 young ladies, this is disheartening when you know the circumstances to which you are losing one while at the same time you are thankful no young lady is in need.  However, the reality is that a young lady somewhere simply is not receiving the care she deserves.

This past week I also had a day of realization in that...I have to leave.  Now I knew from the start that this would be a hard thing to do, I just didn't realize how hard it would be.  It just hit me like a rock and I lost it.  I couldn't help but think about what one of my girls told me.  She said, "You can't leave me Miss Tiffany, I love you....you know what I'm going to miss the most?  You!  You are my little sister!" (although I am older and taller than she is) followed with a big hug and lots of tears.   All the other people in this young lady's life have abandoned or left her for some reason or another.  The hardest thing for me is to convey the message that I have to leave and that I am not one of those people who just leave her.  I came this summer without any kids and I'm leaving with 12.  I don't how to express to them how much I care about them other than to love them and to continue being apart of their lives. 

In the coming week I ask that you pray for all of the students, for the families who have lost loved ones and who are struggling with sickness.  Pray for the families who are in a time of transition and they hear God's will and that they continue to do what is best for their child.  Lastly, please pray for safe travels and for my departure and transition back home.

A Peaceful Reassurance?

In the past week, life in the cottages have relaxed and while things have not slowed down things are nice.  We have still been having some sweltering heat and long days but all is well here at Oak Ranch.  Our babies are getting bigger and we are all doctoring some sunburn after a day at the water park.  Every week it is amazing to see a count of how much change is going on in not only the animals but also the students, especially the boys.  While our newest is still adjusting to cottage life we are beginning to see a different side of him.  He is still looking for his spot within the cottage which has come with its own challenges but we are all trying to be as helpful as we can and as encouraging as we can.  This has been one of the most difficult things for the guys lately, that is, helping one another out and build each other up.

Last week my heart was heavy and combined with a wore out body I just felt horrible.  It seemed as though I was struggling to keep my head above water.  For the first time this summer I felt frustrated.  So before matters got worse God broke me.  I was on the phone catching up with a good friend and I lost it.  I cried for what I thought was no reason and let everything out.  In the midst of this all of my frustrations released and soon I didn't know why I was still crying as I was smiling uncontrollable at the same time.  During this moment I could hear the sounds of a pending thunderstorm as the sky rolled out its sounds and the wind picked up around me.  At first I felt like my heart was so heavy from all of the weeks events that it would fall out of my chest but afterwards it felt like it was empty and ready to be filled.  I realized that in this moment I was no longer in control.  I felt like God was reassuring me of my work here.  Although I was hurting so much inside I have never felt more fulfilled.  Like everything I was doing was for a reason and part of something greater, I was truly happy.  There was no place that I would have rather been than in the midst of all the hurt. 

Before I started this summer I intended to completely immerse myself in servitude here and not allow other distractions.  I feel like that moment was God telling me that it's alright and He was just reminding me of His presence and his plan for me.  While being a child care worker like this may not be exactly what God has for my life (or could be) I can't imagine Him having me in a situation where I couldn't use what He has taught me this summer and the relationships that I have made.  Who knows...could this have been my 'official' calling to ministry?  Or was this just a peaceful reassurance?  Either way I'm excited and can't wait for the next part of this journey that God and I have ahead of us. 

Please pray for the 3 empty slots in the girl cottage and please continue to pray for the rest of our students.  Pray for the friendships that they are building and the lessons they are learning.  Pray for the health of several of our student's families and pray for the needs that each one has. 

"Evangelism occurs from the overflow of your own relationship with Christ." 

So I pray that your cups overflow!

The Poison of Unforgiveness

Well my friends, it has been a busy week!  In the past week Oak Ranch has seen quite a bit of change both at the barn and in the cottages.  We have one new young man who has a good head on his shoulders and knows exactly what he has to do to reach his goals of going home.  One of our girls has made it back safely and another has left us on uneasy terms with the hopes of returning.  The barn has turned into a nursery with our 10 chicks, calf and the addition of 5 kittens.  Thankfully only one of those gets a bottle and the others are maintaining themselves just fine :).

Yesterday was our new young man's first day of horseback riding.  Let me tell you that when you have motivation, positive attitude and a willing heart these will take you far.  Not only was he a quick learner but well mannered and encouraging.  On his first day he was able to take our stubborn beginner horse over obstacles and keep up with the pace of the group.  I cannot wait to see what he will be able to do in the coming weeks!

One of the things that I have been trying to get across to all of the young people around me is the peace that comes from forgiveness.  Feeling the loss of pain that I could never fully understand has left many of them broken, bitter and closed off from the world.  This all leads to frustration, anger and resentment which they apply to all parts of your life.  In one breath I want to say "I don't blame ya!" but in the other I know that in this situation God is their hope and forgiveness is key.  Unforgiveness only hurts yourself not the other person so why should they keep us from living a full life?  Afterall, unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die...it just doesn't help you any.  I think what this all boils down to is that each of them has to decide for themselves what's worth more to them...the life they could have or the life they have had. 

The Bible teaches us to first pray that His will be done in all situations, after that we are to pray for any needs we may have.  We then reach a portion of the pray that many of us seem to forget about or gloss over and move onto the protection part of our prayer.  You see, Jesus teaches us that we must pray for forgiveness but only as we have forgiven others.  It's an interesting little catch there. 

Please pray for each of the students we have and the situations they are in.  Pray for safe keeping and that their needs are met and most importantly that God's will be done.  Pray that they are able to forgive the people in their life who have done wrong and allow them to move forward and pray for the families who must also do the same. 

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours.
Now and for ever.

Amen.