“I'm tired, I'm worn, My
heart is heavy, From the work it takes to keep on breathing”
Does that describe you?
That is the opening lines to Tenth
Avenue North’s newest hit “Worn.” Following last weeks numerous events in the
life of FBC I found myself hitting a wall on Sunday night. Granted, I was not in the storm as others
were, the ripples still hit home. As I
prepared to return to school this week I was anxious to get back to a routine,
but my mind lingered in Mocksville.
There was just something about those events that brought back a poignant
memory. A memory that I know was a
defining moment in my life; a time when I was worn. Some of you have heard bits and pieces of my
journey but few have heard how I really knew. So if you will indulge me, I’d like to share
that moment through the lens of a blog I wrote on July 19, 2011 as a Summer
Missionary at Oak Ranch Children’s Home.
“Last week my heart was heavy, combined with a wore out
body, I just felt horrible. It seemed as
though I was struggling to keep my head above water. For the first time this summer, I felt
frustrated. So before matters got worse
God broke me. I was on the phone
catching up with a good friend and I lost it.
I cried for what I thought was no reason and let everything out. In the midst of this, all of my frustrations
released and soon I didn't know why I was still crying. I was smiling
uncontrollably while tears streamed down my face. During this moment I could hear the sounds of
a pending thunderstorm, as the sky rolled out its sounds and the wind picked up
around me. At first I felt like my heart
was so heavy from all of the weeks events that it would fall out of my chest,
but afterwards it felt like it was empty and ready to be filled. I realized that in this moment I was no
longer in control. I felt like God was
reassuring me of my work here. Although
I was hurting so much inside I have never felt more fulfilled. It was as if everything I was doing was for a
reason and part of something greater, I was truly happy. There was no place that I would have rather
been than in the midst of all the hurt.
Before I started this summer I intended to completely
immerse myself in servitude here [Oak Ranch] and not allow other
distractions. I feel like that moment
was God telling me that it's alright and He was just reminding me of His
presence and his plan for me. While
being a child-care worker may not be exactly what God has for my life (or could
be) I can't imagine Him having me in a situation where I couldn't use what He
has taught me this summer, and the relationships that I have made. Who knows...could this have been my
'official' calling to ministry? Or was
this just a peaceful reassurance? Either
way I'm excited and can't wait for the next part of this journey that God and I
have ahead of us.”
If you knew the backstory on this post you would know that
my summer had been filled with hurting and angry teenagers. Some had inflicted harm upon themselves and
their peers, while others held it all in under lock and key. As ‘Miss Tiffany’ became friend, mentor, and
counselor it was harder for me to feel like I was worthy of such
responsibility. I was worn physically,
emotionally, and spiritually. BUT it was
in that state that I saw redemption win, struggles end, and the mending of my
heart. Had that not been the case, who
knows where I would be today?
