Worn

“I'm tired, I'm worn, My heart is heavy, From the work it takes to keep on breathing”

Does that describe you? 

That is the opening lines to Tenth Avenue North’s newest hit “Worn.” Following last weeks numerous events in the life of FBC I found myself hitting a wall on Sunday night.  Granted, I was not in the storm as others were, the ripples still hit home.  As I prepared to return to school this week I was anxious to get back to a routine, but my mind lingered in Mocksville.  There was just something about those events that brought back a poignant memory.  A memory that I know was a defining moment in my life; a time when I was worn.  Some of you have heard bits and pieces of my journey but few have heard how I really knew.  So if you will indulge me, I’d like to share that moment through the lens of a blog I wrote on July 19, 2011 as a Summer Missionary at Oak Ranch Children’s Home.

“Last week my heart was heavy, combined with a wore out body, I just felt horrible.  It seemed as though I was struggling to keep my head above water.  For the first time this summer, I felt frustrated.  So before matters got worse God broke me.  I was on the phone catching up with a good friend and I lost it.  I cried for what I thought was no reason and let everything out.  In the midst of this, all of my frustrations released and soon I didn't know why I was still crying. I was smiling uncontrollably while tears streamed down my face.  During this moment I could hear the sounds of a pending thunderstorm, as the sky rolled out its sounds and the wind picked up around me.  At first I felt like my heart was so heavy from all of the weeks events that it would fall out of my chest, but afterwards it felt like it was empty and ready to be filled.  I realized that in this moment I was no longer in control.  I felt like God was reassuring me of my work here.  Although I was hurting so much inside I have never felt more fulfilled.  It was as if everything I was doing was for a reason and part of something greater, I was truly happy.  There was no place that I would have rather been than in the midst of all the hurt. 

Before I started this summer I intended to completely immerse myself in servitude here [Oak Ranch] and not allow other distractions.  I feel like that moment was God telling me that it's alright and He was just reminding me of His presence and his plan for me.  While being a child-care worker may not be exactly what God has for my life (or could be) I can't imagine Him having me in a situation where I couldn't use what He has taught me this summer, and the relationships that I have made.  Who knows...could this have been my 'official' calling to ministry?  Or was this just a peaceful reassurance?  Either way I'm excited and can't wait for the next part of this journey that God and I have ahead of us.”

If you knew the backstory on this post you would know that my summer had been filled with hurting and angry teenagers.  Some had inflicted harm upon themselves and their peers, while others held it all in under lock and key.  As ‘Miss Tiffany’ became friend, mentor, and counselor it was harder for me to feel like I was worthy of such responsibility.  I was worn physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  BUT it was in that state that I saw redemption win, struggles end, and the mending of my heart.  Had that not been the case, who knows where I would be today?